Burning Question..

 

I don't know if if its my mindset , stupidity on my part or just a general observation, but... My son-in-law is really starting to piss me off.

We are all in a financial crisis of sorts here at the house.We, Deb and I, have been trying to nail him down on a commitment and agreement for digging their way out. He says he is working remotely and that his paychecks are bi-weekly.. ok believable enough, yet come payday.. he never seems to have the money needed for bills, rent, etc. He says his pay is direct deposited to his Navy Federal account which I helped to set up for him, yet he never once in the past 4 months has followed through with an arrangement we made as for him to transfer their share of the rent into my account so that I can pay the bill.

There is always some excuse when he gets confronted about it.. my pay was short, my pay was messed up, I didnt get the hours I needed, etc, etc. Yet in the same couple days, I see door dash at my house repeatedly for 12 packs of soda, snacks, meals like McD's, etc. For someone that doesnt have money he sure manages to live a pretty good friggin life if ya ask me. We never see him unless we go upstairs to confront him.

We currently have an understanding that he and our daugher will be seperated at the end of the month for approx. 3 months as he will be going to Tennessee, trying to re-establish himself as a viable member of society and our household, while our daughter has just started a new job and will remain here re-establishing herself and hoefully they work on what it is they are looking for in their marriage, relationship, etc.

I feel like he just lives a continuous lie, to himself, others and to our daughter. I have not once seen any validation of anything he says he will do, or does.. Its frustrating to say the least.

For being a "southern gentleman" term used extremely lightly, he sure doesnt know how to treat others or his wife. He comes off at times as though he is there, but two steps later he's back to his usual self. I do not put much stock in his upbringing, nor his current ways and I just dont understand.. Maybe its a generational thing, maybe he's just a freeloader and a jerk.. I don't know but I can't tolerate much more of his BS.. Its a matter of co-dependancy with the two of them and its a delicate balance of mental health, especially for our daughter. So how should this be approached, we have made several options available to both of them, him in particular, yet never can get a solid committment or completed agreement from him. I am just shy of telling him to get the "F" out now, not at the end of the month when we can bite another failed rent payment or a broken promise again. I have asked repeatedly about the/his plan, and all I get is I still plan to go to Tennessee at the end of the month.. no mention of financial obligations, only that his brother will come down and pick him up and take him back to Tennessee, back to a situatin they had left to move down here to begin with..??? Am I completely missing the picture here?

The guy cant/doesn't pay his way here, how the hell is he gunna support his wife, and a second residence. He is suppose to be starting a new job on the 15th of June, willing to bet..he has some excuses lined up already and that he will not contribute to their arrears in bills and rent here at all.

I use to have higher hopes for my daughter and her marriage, successfull employment, and a spouse that would do anything to support his wife, but I got this instead and I'm not sure where to go with it anymore. Different times, I guess, generational gaps, whatever the excuse..something needs to give. 

This also puts a massive strain on our son and his family, as its their house they purchased for us to live in. No rent month after month and no valid communication to them leaves them shaking their heads as well wondering when things are going to change. They are carrying the burden of 2 mortgages, utilities, repairs, etc. and trying to raise their own family. Its time, time to end the BS, be honest and make a valid plan that we are all part of and can agree upon, otherwise we may have no choice but to pack our shit and move so that they can possibly rent or sell the house to someone who will pay.

I really hate the fact that we are being put in this position by him, and not having the control needed to make it change. If it comes to it, and our having to relocate and flip our lives upside down again, there will be no peace making with him I am sure.I love my daughter, but I will never support him and his ways until he learns to put her first, and meet the needs of her, and their relationship. Until that time, he is just a known associate to me. I have said it over and over again... COMMUNICATION is key in any relationship... especially with family members. So going forward, if I do not see any progress, I will not be sharing any plans of this household with him, as we attempt to mend relationships with our son and his wife and settling any outstanding debts he has created with them.

In honesty, I hope the two of them can figure out what it is they are needing and looking for in their relationship, get their lives on track and on the same page and manage to keep things together. Do I hold out faith.. questionable at best from what I see as the pattern. All I know is, I am too old for the games and the BS, I just want to live my years in retirement and happy with my wife. We managed to get through the rough times together, including a seperation of our own, and yet here we are 34 years in the making and still going strong.

in short, I guess the questio I have is:

is it a generational gap, upbringing being different, lazyness, Why the extreme differences in ability or willingness to communicate?????